Becca
December 2010
This post is a compilation of everything that I have wanted to say over the past year. I may have already said these things, but there is a possibility that I have not, so I figured that here's my chance to do so. In writing this I shed both tears of sadness and laughter, smiled and frowned, and reminisced about this year. I never thought I was sentimental, but sometimes each and every one of us are able to surprise ourselves. I spent the entire time it took to write this while blasting various music from coldplay, so if you find a sentence that doesn't make any sense in context, that is probably why.
To go with this post I found this link http://yearinreview.yahoo.com/
Dear 2010,
This was quite the year - so many things have changed since January, and even within the last few days of this year everything will be left upside down. There are many things I should've said and done, but of course I'm not perfect and I'm not always going to have the right answer. Things change, people change, lives change - and although some of these changes were upsetting, I wouldn't have it any other way. Everything happens for a reason.
Apology 1: I know we've beat this like a dead horse, and I don't want to make more trouble, but I finally am able to admit to having made a mistake. I remember this summer having been so ignorant to the effects of my actions, and that was wrong. I was wrong, and although the hurt may be gone now, I just want to say that I never meant for that to happen. When someone is so blinded, they can't see the faults in themselves but only those that lay in others. That was who I was, this is who I am now. Thank you for forgiving me - that in itself is irreplaceable, and it means everything to me.
Something crazy that happened to me this year was being able to play some varsity tennis matches. That was incredible, and very worth while. I feel like it bettered me as a player just having been able to experience it. They were tough - Fitch vs. Pompfret for example. A swearing coach seems to be effective in my case - he scared me to the point where I just had to battle my fear and overcome it through the match itself. Tennis, although it was a great season, I feel like it drove my friends apart. Not all of us, but a good chunk of my friend group was annihilated thanks to the season and the new positions people took. I know I took a superior place, not much higher, but it made me cocky and others angry and basically at that point things just ended. I can't blame tennis completely - neither of us tried to fix it once the season ended, so maybe it was meant to be. It was drama, and drama brings out the worst in people.
Even now, in December, drama still swirls around me like a black cloud. And still, there is extensive backstabbing, ranting, and just out-of-line assumptions. I wish I could say that I had never done any of those, but to say that would be a lie. And I think drama was the biggest part of my year - it showed me who my real friends were, and it also showed me that maybe pettiness isn't something that should continue. Daily I hear of my friends' "rant sessions" and half the time they're about the people who weren't involved. Even since GLW I've done that - we all have at some point - yet every time we say we won't do it again, we're back at it within days.... Drama, drama, drama. It's not even a tendency anymore, but an infectious disease that has taken control. And the thing is that I can't even see the point of it, yet somehow every time I'm caught up in it. It's these things that leave me pondering for hours.
Apology 2: To all who this may concern, I apologize completely for ever having spoken against you. You are beautiful, and I was in no place to say that. For you, I give you my humblest apologies
I guess one could say that this letter is a form of stating my sins, but I am not religious in any form and also I feel that one can only grow from admitting their mistakes and wrong-doings. And maybe it shouldn't be just the mistakes, but also what went right.
(INSERT GOOD/NICE INFO HERE)
It's easy to forget those happier moments when they are shadowed by sorrows.
This year I've never felt so much pressure. Pressure from my parents, pressure from my teachers, pressure from my coach, pressure from my friends, pressure from people I don't even know. It's tiring and frustrating. And sometimes I wonder if any of them are even really listening to what I have to say. Maybe that's now how I think, or maybe that's not where I want to go, or maybe I have my own definition for success. Maybe it's not the money that matters, but maybe it's the passion or the happiness I feel when I have that job. So many people have cut out this imaginary future for me, yet in every picture I can't see myself. I can only see the person they think they know. Perhaps I'm different from what you think - perhaps you don't know me at all.
Have you ever suppressed memories to the point where you can no longer remember whether they occurred or not? In the past year, I have let those memories resurface - some of them having been furiously buried for years. Through talking about past events, I've been able to remember things I thought I would never want to remember. Those feelings of sadness - they were sent to the bottom of my mind. And now, I look at them with happiness for being able to see them. Looking at the losses I have experienced, for example, I no longer dwell on the memories of the actual loss, but what occurred before that loss. Sometimes sad memories will drag all the happy, relevant ones with it. And having uncovered those in these past months was the best thing that could've happened to me.
Apology 3: Technically, this isn't even an apology. It's more of a regret, or a wish. I wish we hadn't fallen apart so quickly. I wish we weren't so far away, and I wish we were still in touch with each other - more than this. You are my best friend in the world, and one of the few people who I can open up to without regret and without fear of judgement. Basically, and most simply, I miss you, and all I wish for is that we can see each other again soon. If only things were different.
Have I ever mentioned Project Insanity? Basically, my dear friend Zoe and I went out to dinner one night and I found myself getting frustrated at what I didn't say in the previous day. She saw my frustration loud and clear and immediately challenged me to a week long of what we referred to as "Project Insanity." The reason behind the name? No one would ask what it meant if we referred to it in school, and this prediction proved to be correct.
Basically, Zoe challenged me to speak my mind and to be honest with everyone I came into contact with from September 27th to October 1st. It was all about taking risks and showing what I really thought and who I really was. Looking back at what I documented about it, the first day was a flop. I still second guessed my raised hand, and I didn't feel like anything had occurred at all really. On the second day, it really began when I stopped waiting around for both my friends and some of my "so-called" friends. And some of them were genuinely angry with me for not having waited. It was then when I started to pry myself away from certain people.
Anyways, every night I'd document what occurred, how it occurred, what was working for me, and a list of goals that I wanted to eventually accomplish. Almost every short-term goal was accomplished, and by the end of the week I felt more expressive in the way that I wanted to be. At that moment Zoe became my mentor, and since then this experiment hasn't officially ended. There are some days where I'm more outgoing - on the days when I am, it comes without thinking it through, and that's my goal. That's the ultimate goal of all - just to say what I need to say. No longer am I a small voice lost in a crowd so loud that my whisper of a voice is nonexistent.
Say what you need to say - it's as simple as that, and finally I seem to realize how important it actually is.
Have you ever suppressed memories to the point where you can no longer remember whether they occurred or not? In the past year, I have let those memories resurface - some of them having been furiously buried for years. Through talking about past events, I've been able to remember things I thought I would never want to remember. Those feelings of sadness - they were sent to the bottom of my mind. And now, I look at them with happiness for being able to see them. Looking at the losses I have experienced, for example, I no longer dwell on the memories of the actual loss, but what occurred before that loss. Sometimes sad memories will drag all the happy, relevant ones with it. And having uncovered those in these past months was the best thing that could've happened to me.
Apology 3: Technically, this isn't even an apology. It's more of a regret, or a wish. I wish we hadn't fallen apart so quickly. I wish we weren't so far away, and I wish we were still in touch with each other - more than this. You are my best friend in the world, and one of the few people who I can open up to without regret and without fear of judgement. Basically, and most simply, I miss you, and all I wish for is that we can see each other again soon. If only things were different.
Have I ever mentioned Project Insanity? Basically, my dear friend Zoe and I went out to dinner one night and I found myself getting frustrated at what I didn't say in the previous day. She saw my frustration loud and clear and immediately challenged me to a week long of what we referred to as "Project Insanity." The reason behind the name? No one would ask what it meant if we referred to it in school, and this prediction proved to be correct.
Basically, Zoe challenged me to speak my mind and to be honest with everyone I came into contact with from September 27th to October 1st. It was all about taking risks and showing what I really thought and who I really was. Looking back at what I documented about it, the first day was a flop. I still second guessed my raised hand, and I didn't feel like anything had occurred at all really. On the second day, it really began when I stopped waiting around for both my friends and some of my "so-called" friends. And some of them were genuinely angry with me for not having waited. It was then when I started to pry myself away from certain people.
Anyways, every night I'd document what occurred, how it occurred, what was working for me, and a list of goals that I wanted to eventually accomplish. Almost every short-term goal was accomplished, and by the end of the week I felt more expressive in the way that I wanted to be. At that moment Zoe became my mentor, and since then this experiment hasn't officially ended. There are some days where I'm more outgoing - on the days when I am, it comes without thinking it through, and that's my goal. That's the ultimate goal of all - just to say what I need to say. No longer am I a small voice lost in a crowd so loud that my whisper of a voice is nonexistent.
Say what you need to say - it's as simple as that, and finally I seem to realize how important it actually is.
This summer brought not only GLW into my life, but it also rearranged my life as well. As some of you may know, my grandfather was moved to hospice this summer. This had us worried and traveling constantly up to Buffalo, which I surely didn't mind. I got to spend most a good two or three weeks up there visiting with my grandmother and grandfather, my family, and one of my best friends. It was there on my first trip before GLW when my perspective on life was altered. I remember before leaving him - this being the last time I would ever see him again, since my parents thought seeing him in hospice would've been too hard (and they're probably right) - I kissed him on the cheek and hugged him. Tears started to roll down his face, and I told him that I'd see him at Thanksgiving most definitely, and this only made him cry harder. It was in that moment that I knew he was going to die.
Death has never sat well with me. From an early age, I experienced the loss of someone special in my life, and it's one of those things that one can never adjust to. His dying made me question so many things - religion, morality, crying - when appropriate, what it entails-, etc. And when it came right down to it, this only further agreed with my religious beliefs. Also, as my fellow GLWer's saw, it was hard to take. I broke down the last full day at camp over it mostly because of this dilemma I had. It basically was "Is it right to cry for someone who has done nothing to you, but everything to someone else?" And this kept turning over in my mind, over and over again, until I realized that perhaps my decision and feelings would come naturally.
His sickness slowed our summer plans, where they were no longer spontaneous. Blame him, I do not for it was probably one of the best summers I have ever had. My mom spent about 30 days up in Buffalo with him and my grandmother trying to work everything out. We as a family spent quite a bit of time up there as well, which I didn't mind at all. It was really nice, and I'm very fond of Buffalo, so I was happy. Overall, I thought it was a beautiful summer.
His sickness slowed our summer plans, where they were no longer spontaneous. Blame him, I do not for it was probably one of the best summers I have ever had. My mom spent about 30 days up in Buffalo with him and my grandmother trying to work everything out. We as a family spent quite a bit of time up there as well, which I didn't mind at all. It was really nice, and I'm very fond of Buffalo, so I was happy. Overall, I thought it was a beautiful summer.
He died on September 2nd, 2010 (aka 90210). I woke that morning with a sunken heart, and I knew something had happened. Not yet having learned the cause, I told my mother that I had this bad feeling before I went to school. When I returned home she told me the bad news - he had passed. Apparently my warning had prompted her to call my grandmother - she said this had happened before. It was upsetting having him die, but I chose to think of it that he was out of his pain, out of cancer's grasp. I had to miss his funeral because of school - it's hard to travel 8 hours and back within the weekend parameters.
I was recently in Buffalo too, and it was the strangest thing not having him there at the dinner table. It was emptier than it had ever been, and I never realized how different my life up there would be without him. In conclusion, I want to say this: Grandpa, I love you and miss you. I am glad that you are no longer suffering, and I wish you the best of luck. With love, your Reba
More things utterly 2010: Whatever could I mention? I mean, something that was great - magnificent? Oh yeah, GLW. G-G L W. How I miss GLW. As I've mentioned numerous times on here, it was, and still is everything to meme. As seen on the new and glamorously updated ervk page for GLW ( http://www.ervk.org/html/glw.html), GLW wasn't only important to me, but to everyone else who partook in it as well. I don't mean to speak for them, since their voices are much stronger than mine, but from the reactions and interactions it is easy to see. I can only hope that GLW continues on forever, forever and always empowering brilliant women.
“This experience means everything to me, and a realization of the world around me. It meant becoming the person I always wanted to be”The most significant part of my year has probably been how I've changed. I'm not a completely different person, but I feel like I have changed. My perception and opinions have become more concrete, and I speak up. I'm also no longer afraid to challenge other people's ideas. My personality has become stronger in the sense of decisiveness and also in expressing myself. And my change was influenced by GLW. To you I sing the contents of my heart, including my appreciation for all that you have done. "Don't Stop Leading" my friends, don't ever stop.
The songs that defined my year:
- My Love - Sia
- Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
- The Scientist [and] Prospekt's March - Coldplay
- Symphonies - Dan Black
- Wavin' Flag - K'Naan
- Right Round - Flo Rida
- Possibility - Lykke Li
- Break Me Out - The Rescues
- All Coldplay music
- All John Mayer music
There are so many more things I could say. I could talk more about this summer, my birthday, tennis, strings camp, GLW, my latest excursions, driving, etc, but then that would be a much longer post than this, and this one is rather lengthy to begin with. If you're listening, here's a secret - 2010 was a year that transformed me. My opinions are more pronounced and all that I am has been bettered in this year long transformation process. My future is still undetermined, but maybe it's better that way. Maybe spontaneous is good.
It is December 23rd, 2010, and today was my last day of school in 2010. This morning, like every morning, my dad drove me into school. He had me start the car, then I backed up so we were in position to drive straight out of the driveway. Five minutes later we made our way out of my suburban driveway, and turned onto Route 1. We followed the familiar winding road up and down the hills. Usually we listen to Boomer and Carton on the fan, but this morning it wasn't on the radio. Actually, it could have been, but I didn't seem to notice. While we drove on my dad turned to me and smiled. "It's your last school day of the year!" He said smiling. I nodded, still sleepy. He smiled again and said, "It really has been a good year, hasn't it?" I then smiled to myself and nodded. "Yes dad, it truly has been a remarkable year."
To all my girls, I love you. I hope your 2010 was fabulous, and I wish you the best of all the years to come. Whether we are together or apart, I will always remember you. Never forget, "I U."
With the largest amount of love I can muster,
Becca
My Year in Pictures:
January:
March:
June:
October:
No comments:
Post a Comment